No.100 InspireChallenge: Here’s My Reflection

It’s my 100th day of weekly Inspire Challenge!

I started the Inspire Challenge simply to record my life. To practice gratitude, to express my emotions, and to find a sacred space.

Before this challenge, I don’t have any memory of persisting in one thing.

When I was a child, I have always tried various things: keyboard, drum, calligraphy, dancing, chore… but never keep on doing them.100

Now in college, I changed majors three times, took multiple courses unrelated to my degree plan, and got involved in various organizations but quitted a semester later. When others work hard in their chosen majors and organizations, accumulated professional knowledge, and advance to higher positions step by step, I instead, committed to nothing.

The idiom 3-minute passion (三分钟热度 a brief period of enthusiasm Chinese saying) could not be more pertinent to describe me.

Troubled by the idea that I could not accomplish anything, I fall into self-criticism and low-esteem. I am anxious every day and could not help thinking, thinking, thinking meaninglessly. What’s more, as a perfectionist, I push myself to keep working and working.

The more I demand, the more overwhelmed I feel.

The more anxiety I have, the more I demand.

Both my physical and mental health was devastated. And I was constantly troubled by anemia and binge eating problems.

The more I write, the more I realize that I have a pair of keen eyes of discovering and a warm heart of sharing.

The more I write, the more I feel.

The more I feel, the more I find.

Now I begin to accept myself

Through reflection, I find there are a lot of things beyond my limits. No matter how hard I push myself such as at the beginning writing the perfect and impeccable blog post in English, I simply could not do it. There are also a lot of times I try so hard to come up content but I just could not do it. There are times my emotions are too overwhelming. There are times I feel I blame my fault harshly…

I do have some creativity and writing talents, but not exceptional. I am a Chinese, so English will always be my second-language and I could not speak as fluently as native speakers. I am not good at math even though I think I am smart. I am impatient…

Through writing, I realize I am a normal person. I have my limits and start to accept myself.

Accepting not means stop advancing.

Only through I accepted, I could take criticism and failure calmly instead of indulging in negative emotions all day.

Now I begin to love myself

Through writing, I learn to practice self-compassion and gratitude.

1207 Oh! Sitting in the car watching ice dancing…

1211 Making the smoothie to me and sleeping to get recovered

….

When I look back my posts, I am amazed of observing so many things and proud of writing for so long days.

I love my theatre group. I love my ability to inspire people. I love my innocence and kindness. I love my smartness…

I am such a unique person with so many great attributes.

If I want to receive love from other, I have to love me first and I deserve the love.

Now I begin to understand myself

In the post, I shared the podcast which talks about reasons people get eating disorder.

Through writing, I understand my interest in deep conversations, creativity, people, communication. I understand my painful past which I did not know how to deal with emotions.

I start a journey of self-exploration because knowing yourself is to grow up and get what you wanted more easily.

Most importantly, my 100 days of Inspiring Challenge help me realize that I am not fully interested in health careers (except mental health counseling, my last job when retiring). The only thing draws me into health is that it is an accepting, non-judgemental space for me to grow up and explore the painful past.

An end and a beginning

The inspiring challenge will come to an end for now. 

It helps me get through really dark and bright 100 days, but I feel I have less and less motivation. My desire for variety and change makes me want to explore different themes: marketing, film, communication, etc.

I will keep writing and discover. Now moving on is to create more and to help more.

Thank you for the company, Inspiring Challenge.

Thank you for reading, my fellow readers. 

 

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Published by

Clear

A 20-year-old ENFP looking for likely-minded people

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