I ate Veggie Ramen as well as a Skinny Latte for lunch.
My emotional brain and full stomach were shouting to me: You are getting fat! You lose your control again! My boyfriend’s assuring me the large amount is full of vegetables, not many calories…
I know. I know. It’s just… as one with the eating disorder… what we eat actually doesn’t matter. What matters is the feeling itself, that I feel I am fat.
However, the later as I fully immersed in studying and sitting for four hours, the uncomfortable feeling vanishes… I was fully concentrating on studying, doing the thing at the present.
I want to share this thing because people with eating disorders don’t live in the present but in their imaginary world. Only when they have the courage to face the reality that they could start fighting.
I explained my Inspiration Challenge today. The more I write the more I know myself better:)
Every day I wake up, I am looking for something:
To inspire me never forget to be happy
To inspire me always learning and exploring
To inspire me living fully in the most time of the day, every day.
And to inspire you together to pay attention to your own life and get inspired together.
It comes to the hardest part of this challenge.
At the end of new habit formation, I already develop this routine but have little motivation and things to write about.
But I’m grateful to come to this place and continue writing.
There are normal days with nothing special happen. And it’s totally fine. I accept the fact and be grateful for those few emotionless days.
I feel miserable in the morning – binged some chips, an apple, other stufffffffff I don’t remember at 2 a.m. However, I still committed myself to eat regular and healthy meals.
Today when reviewing my psychology notes, I watched the video from Marsha Linehan, the greatest psychologist who invented Dialectical Behavior Therapy, talking about how she helps Borderline Personality Disorder patients develop emotion regulation.
There is “Vulnerability Factor” – a susceptibility to mental health disorders. What stresses people are from yesterday and past sad experiences make you sensitive.
For me, what troubles me most about the eating disorder is not the food itself but the anxiety feeling associated. To be honest, I am totally ok with eating plain and tasteless food. I could eat cheese, eat candies, eat salty nuts, but there is a remorseful voice from my head criticizing me everytime I lose a little control, finish them all: YOU SHOULD CONTROL YOURSELF. SHAME ON YOU. Then I become more and more anxious, eating more and more. Same to today. I did eat a little in the early morning and those food messed my metabolism. My body’s discomfort triggered my auto-blame thought and brought to my vulnerable point – the feeling not good enough and should be better.
Austin rained in the afternoon.
I always like this a bit cool, but not too cold fall weather in Austin – a simple dark color sleeve, a long straight-line jacket, a large dot-pattern red scarf covered your neck, a pair of sneakers, and some deep music on the ear.
However, it’s 6 p.m. thanks to the heaviest traffic, I’m sitting on the home bus for like an hour.
Nothing could do without the internet, except staring at the screen or thinking about what to eat.
So I began to watch those clouds, and watch the sun gradually fall behind them… Just enjoy the piece of serenity.
How lucky to have this moment!
I am willing to release
I am willing to release
I am willing to release
I release all my fear, all my anger, all my tears
I release all my anxiety, all my suppressions, all my resistance
I release all my hate, all my suspicions, all my jealousy
I release all my unwillingness, all my hostility, all my malice
I release all my frustrations, all my worries, all my sorrow
I release all my guilty, all my wounds, all my vulnerability
I release my resistance to authority
I release my fear to living
I release my fear to future
I release my fear to love
I release all my feelings, of sin, of shame, of guilt,
I release all my feelings of incapability, of emptiness
I release all my feelings of hopeless, of unsafety, of loneliness
I am willing to release past
I am willing to release future
I wish everyone and I let it go
Excerpt from a Buddist Spirituality Growth article
Went out having lunch with my mental health classmates. I ordered a spinach tortilla wrap, with Swiss cheese, hummus, veggies in it. Yes, I pay attention to the food a lot while listening to Zach’s Orientation Advisor training, listening to Anu’s Friday plan to the House of Torment.
They just have so much energy and things want to do with their life! A little uneasiness to join their conversation, I finished my lunch quietly, said Goodbye, went directly to Starbucks and consumed my favorite skinny Latte.
I don’t know…
This is a perfect day, in the middle of a week, the right amount of coolness, a right amount of schedules, light homework dues. I listened with full attention in class, enjoyed the autumn view, checked with my old friends…
keeping trying not to let negative feelings come out of my head.
I acknowledge my feeling. It is ok when everything looks perfect and you feel no ok.
It’s ok not.
To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients – care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.
At the night’s theatre workshop, we discussed and defined “love.” Contrary to the common concept, love is not a feeling.
“When we feel deeply drawn to someone, we cathect with them; that is, we invest feelings or emotions in them. That process of investment wherein a loved one becomes important to us is called ‘cathexis.”
We don’t want to dig into love’s definition. Admire, adore, attach, appreciate – those nuances terrify us and trouble us. So busy with life, we want the way as easy as possible, to feed our basic needs and desires, even it means violence and hurt.
And the concept of self-care. The concept was originally developed by black feminine activists. However, in today’s society, we exploit, take advantage of, and turn it to something that practicing self-care will benefit you the most as if it’s the panacea of all problems.
What no one tells you is that self-care is hard. You have to face yourself, face the deepest fear and vulnerability, face the darkest truth. You need to have the courage and confidence.
Everybody is telling you how many benefits you could get from self-care, but nobody is telling you how much work and time you have to actually do it.
The two-hour deep conversation was so impactful for me, not just mentally but also physically. I could feel my body was so relieved when all my members’ telling me that they also don’t know what life looked like after their graduation, and what life will look like in future.
“I also don’t know what I am going to do after graduation.”
No one knows.
It’s ok not knowing everything.
What’s the point if we know everything about our life?
Wouldn’t life be so plain and mundane?
This week is just… too hard for me.
I feel the season changes deeply impacts me, dragging me again, back to the depressed “comfort” zone.
Sorry I feel so drained and please let me just live with and admit it:
I’m going through this low point moment. I will come through. Please give me some time.
I went to Austin’s House of Torment! After hearing from my lovely peer educator buddy on Monday, I immediately bought today’s ticket. Neither like scary things nor enjoy Halloween, I did thing mainly to get some excitement.
Studying in U.S for a Chinese not interested in Americans’ “sports and alcohols” party social things could be a torture. For Chinese, our ways of society are to go to the mall or eat outside together. We love those experience shopping and relaxing in a community.
In short, we love doing real things. Do real talk, go to real places, not just hanging out at one person’s home talking and drinking….
That’s why I went to the House of Torment. It was not scary, but the actors and indoor settings fully worth the price. I went into two houses, one like empty hospital and the other one like clowns’ circus. You keep going ahead, some rooms with super flashy lights, some rooms with hanging dead body, some rooms with dizzy smoke, making you hard to see and move. Of course, you are expected to have “ghosts” suddenly jumping out, screaming until you feel scared to death….
A wonderful Friday night;)
On the last thing. On the way home, I looked up and saw the bright, full moon.
Calling me home to cherish the memory.
Had Kerbey Lane Cafe’s Denver Omelette, Banana Walnut Vegan Special Pancake, Starbuck’s Vanilla Bean Creme Frappuccino, Austin’s best sushi….
If I have to pick a theme for this week, “eating disorder could be the perfect one. I gradually realize that my binge behavior comes from a mixture of anxiety, bad habits, overstimulation, suppression, and safety. There’a book Brain Over Binge talking about people have two brains – one emotional and one normal. It is the emotional brain that wants you to eat, eat, eat but it is the normal brain that has the actual power. The idea of binging is just thoughts and feelings. No such deep emotions or personal trauma, binging is just a habit that you developed.
If you could observe those binge thoughts and just be with them for a while, they will gradually disappear.
However, like I mentioned last time, there is a part of my binge comes from my suppression: being the true version of myself, caring, sharing, those deep truths from uneasiness everytime I feel full, from self-disgust of feeling fat, from fear in a new strange place, from recultance of finishing the wonderful day…..
On top of them, is the stress itself.
Stress from seeing other girls’ thin legs, stress from hearing others “you are getting fat,” stress from “if” eating too much, stress from failing to control the simplest weight, stress from handing homework, stress from falling behind… stress from not worthy…
I don’t have any stress today. No exam next week, no seeing acquaintances expect my boyfriend, no obligations except returning to my safe niche… All I did is to eat, to watch Youtube video and get some “support,” to exercise, and to prepare to end today, end this week.
I am fully grateful about myself. And I will never give up.